Well, it’s the summer, and that means we’re getting some sequels. Movie sequels always try to top the originals by being BIGGER, LOUDER, and LONGER, so that’s what I’m trying to do with the sequel to my original mustard review feature from last summer, Cutting the Mustard. I reviewed seven different mustards, just in time for Memorial Day weekend, when people tend to eat a lot of hot dogs and burgers. Well, it’s Memorial Day weekend again, so here’s our sequel: Cutting the Mustard II: The Quest for More Mustard! And if you think I only reviewed eight mustards this time, then go jump in a lake, jabroni. I only offer the best content to my dozens of readers, the stalwart Saboscrivnerinos, so I have raised the stakes and reviewed TEN mustards right here! Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for mustard mishegas!
The first two new mustards I reviewed were from iconic mustard company French’s, famous for its standard yellow mustard. But since nothing I write about on this blog is standard, I tried two of French’s deeper cuts, if you will. The first one was French’s Brown Sugar Bourbon stone ground mustard, which comes in a relatively small glass jar. Just like in the first Cutting the Mustard, I sampled it on a Deutsche Kuche (pronounced “douche cooch”) Bavarian soft pretzel stick from Aldi, imported from Germany, a place that knows something about pretzels and mustard. This was a winning combination. The Brown Sugar Bourbon added a subtle sweetness that wasn’t overwhelmingly sweet. I thought it would go great with hot dogs to cut their extreme saltiness, and would also go well with most deli meats like turkey, roast beef, or ham, as long as the ham isn’t overly sweet already.
I chased that with French’s Roasted Garlic stone ground mustard, which comes in the same kind of glass jar, at the same price point. I found both of these at Winn-Dixie, by the way. The garlic flavor was a lot more subtle than I expected. It reminded me of a standard Dijon mustard, but not as spicy in your nose, and definitely not as “bright”-tasting as a classic yellow mustard. It would go really well on a sweeter ham sandwich, and it would be fabulous with roast beef or on a nice rare burger. I could also see mixing it with mayonnaise and honey as the base for a slightly garlicky honey mustard dressing. I was pleased that despite being labeled as “stone ground,” neither of these French’s mustards had whole crunchy seeds in them. As I’ve remarked before, I am not a fan of eating mustard and feeling like I’m crunching away on a mouthful of Nerds candy.
I found my next two mustards at Clemons Produce, a wonderful locally owned and operated produce market at 3325 Curry Ford Road, Orlando, Florida, 32806. It is on the northwest side of the intersection of Curry Ford Road and Crystal Lake Drive, in a great foodie neighborhood known as the Hourglass District. I am a recent convert to Clemons Produce, but in addition to carrying some of the finest, freshest fruits and vegetables in town, they also have a great selection of groceries, including lots of Amish products: jams and preserves, pickles and other pickled veggies, pies, and even bottled sodas I haven’t found anywhere else in Orlando. They also have an Amish deli counter that features meats and cheeses from the Troyer brand. I recommend trying the Lebanon bologna and farmer’s cheese, if you’re in the area.
And while you’re there, you can pick up some mustards from the Woeber’s brand! I picked out two of Woeber’s Sandwich Pal mustards: Hot & Spicy and Sweet & Spicy. The Hot & Spicy mustard had a fair bit of heat. The Aldi pretzel sticks may have been out of season, so I don’t have a photo of it on one of those, but this was around the time during the pandemic when I was trying to engineer the perfect breakfast sandwich, and I used plenty of it on those experiments. I love mustard on eggs and breakfast sandwiches. I even love McDonald’s Sausage McMuffins With Egg, a nostalgic childhood treat that has aged better than anything else at McDonald’s, as far as I’m concerned. As an adult, I always take them straight home so the American cheese has a chance to melt, and I can apply my own mustards.
Here is one of my most beautiful breakfast sandwich creations with the Woeber’s Sandwich Pal Sweet & Spicy mustard. This is on Wonder brand Texas Toast (far superior to any other white bread due to its thiccness), and it is topped with a perfectly fried egg (cooked in a ring mold, the way McDonald’s does its McMuffin eggs), American cheese, lap xuong Chinese sausage (much chewier and sweeter than typical breakfast sausage), sautéed onions, Peppadew peppers, and of course the Sweet & Spicy mustard. The Texas toast is spread with Duke’s mayo, after I chopped up an entire HEAD of garlic and added it directly to the Duke’s jar, so I always have garlic aioli at the ready. Then I grilled the entire sandwich in a pan like a big ol’ grilled cheese. Brilliant, and the different kinds of sweetness from the mustard, the sausage, and the Peppadews really sent this one over the top.
My next two mustards are Russian mustards, which I bought months before Russia invaded Ukraine, committed war crimes, and threatened to start World War III. I found them at another terrific grocery store that specializes in Eastern European products, Green Hills Supermarket, at 1140 East Altamonte Drive, Altamonte Springs, Florida, 32701.
This first one is Zakuson Russian Standard mustard. It was extremely spicy, the kind of spicy that burns your sinuses more than your tongue. It reminded me of the hot Chinese mustard that comes in little plastic packets with takeout Chinese food — great for clearing clogged sinuses when you have a cold. I have to admit, it wasn’t my favorite, but I bravely made my way through the jar.
Here is the Zakuson mustard on a toasted bagel with delicious smoked sable (aka black cod, one of the finest smoked fish you can eat), also purchased at Green Hills Supermarket. I also added sliced tomatoes and my homemade pickled onions, which are sweet and crispy. In the future, I would stick to cream cheese for a decadent sandwich like this, rather than a strong and pungent mustard.
The other Russian mustard I bought at Green Hills Supermarket was Uncle Vanya, a small bottle that called out to me because it cost under $2. How could I go wrong? It was less intense than the Zakuson, which was a relief.
I decided to use it on the last batch of Cuban sandwiches I made at home, after making my own mojo criollo marinade for some pork tenderloins. I used a loaf and a half of fresh Cuban bread, and I used up the entire jar of Uncle Vanya mustard, spreading it on both sides of the bread.
These turned out to be some fine Cubanos! Of course I used Grillo’s pickles, which I reviewed back in 2020.
Next up, I did a scientific taste test of four more mustards: three I like quite a bit, and one that was new to me. I call this segment DARE TO COMPARE.
First up is Burman’s horseradish mustard, a pretty standard and budget-priced selection available at Aldi, great on hot dogs and most sandwiches. It might be a rebranded private label version of Gulden’s horseradish mustard, given the similar shape of the bottles:
Next up is Ba-Tampte delicatessen style mustard, a classic and one of my all-time favorite mustards. This is available at most Publix supermarkets for $2.99. Just be aware that they keep it near the deli and not in the mustard section in the condiment aisle. It is so delicious on anything, and I always recommend it highly. As good as it is on hot dogs and conventional sandwiches, you might weep if you can get your hands on some good corned beef, pastrami, or tongue and apply a liberal schmear of Ba-Tampte. Of course rye bread would be the industry standard here, but if you know someone who can hook you up with club rolls, you’ll never want your pastrami on rye again.
I also highly recommend Boar’s Head delicatessen style mustard, which is made with white wine and horseradish. It is also available near the deli at Publix, and one of my favorite local delis in the Orlando area, Pickles New York Delicatessen in Longwood, is classy enough to put bottles of this on every table. It is like a cross between a standard deli mustard and a dijon, and it’s absolutely delicious — tangy with a subtle acidic sweetness I attribute to the white wine. Bottles usually cost around $4 because Boar’s Head products aren’t cheap, but I think I grabbed this one on sale for $3.50.
And the new one (at least for me) was Kosciusko original spicy brown mustard. I actually bought this one at Green Hills Supermarket too, despite it being an American product (and not Australian, as the name would have made me guess). It is actually owned by mustard mega-conglomerate Plochman’s!
Kosciusko is very similar to the Gulden’s spicy brown mustard my dad always kept in our house growing up, but maybe a touch creamier? Despite “spicy” being in the description, it probably had the least zing of the four. Still good, though. I would consider it a solid all-purpose, everyday mustard.
I had these with a Gabila’s potato knish, which are my favorite knishes. For the uninitiated, knishes are seasoned mashed potatoes that are baked — or in Gabila’s case, fried — in a pastry crust. There was a fire at the Gabila’s factory back in 2013, and I still remember multiple articles being written about the cataclysmic knish shortage, stirring up tsuris among fellow fressers and affiliated altacockers alike. But luckily, just like the Fox’s U-Bet syrup empire, Gabila’s bounced back. A lot of delis serve these knishes because they are such a high-quality product with a lot of history, but now you can buy a box of four frozen Gabila’s knishes at Publix, and I can’t recommend them highly enough. They are one of my favorite ways to eat potatoes, and considering I also write potato chip reviews, I don’t say that lightly.
Here are the frozen knishes:
I very scientifically heated up one knish, cut it into quarters, and enjoyed it with each of the four mustards. I am pleased to say that unlike sports, where there is generally always a winner and a loser, in this DARE TO COMPARE even, all of these mustards were winners, and I was the biggest winner of all.
I would strongly recommend any of these four mustards for any of your dipping, spreading, or seasoning needs, especially if you’re mostly used to plain yellow mustards or just standard dijon when you’re feeling fancy.
So when you’re grilling out on Memorial Day weekend (please don’t call it “barbecuing” unless you’re smoking meats low and slow; that’s a pet peeve of mine), please consider some of these magical mustards for your condiment needs, and you too will conclude that they cut the mustard!