August 2019 – The Saboscrivner

Swine & Sons

So, has anyone heard about any good chicken sandwiches lately?

Let me rewind for a bit. This week the Internet went insane over chicken sandwiches, something I rarely order anywhere. When there’s a burger available, I never give the chicken sandwich a second look. At fast food places, even if I’m not in the mood for a burger, I’m more likely to order the fish sandwich than the chicken sandwich! Even when I go to a fried chicken joint, I’ll usually get a couple of crispy fried thighs, rather than a sandwich. Too often, the classic fried chicken sandwich contains a dry chicken breast, or worse yet, a dry tender or two. I’ve been burned by dry, bland white meat too often, and don’t get me started ranting about dry, bland, boring-ass Thanksgiving turkeys. I always prefer dark meat, and thighs usually hide my favorite morsels of meat on the entire chicken: the oysters, tucked away under a bone, two little perfect bites per bird.

But people are losing their damn minds over this chicken sandwich, which gave me a serious case of the FOMO.* I had to venture forth to see what the hype was about, and so I could blog about it and get some external validation before everyone moves onto the next foodie fad. Wait, did I just write that?

Well, to none of my regular readers’ surprise, I ordered two different chicken sandwiches: spicy and extra-spicy. And I’m happy to report they were the best damn chicken sandwiches I’ve ever had! But they didn’t come from that chain. Nope. And not that chain either. They came from a beloved local restaurant that just happens to be located in a butcher shop. Not that one; the other one!

Swine & Sons (https://swineandsons.com/) started out as the third restaurant in James and Julie Petrakis’ locally-grown empire, following their flagship Winter Park gastropub The Ravenous Pig and their upscale Southern restaurant Cask & Larder. With Chefs Rhys and Alexia Gawlak in charge, Swine & Sons opened in a small space next door to the old Cask & Larder location on Fairbanks Avenue in Winter Park, and I made sure my wife and I were there on the very first day they opened for business. We were some of their first customers through the door on Day One, and they had a good thing going from the onset. It was always meant as a more casual restaurant compared to the others, a quick-service place with sandwiches, house-cured charcuterie, and lots of prepared takeout options. And despite having limited seating and parking, it became a hit, like the Petrakis’ other establishments.

But the only constant is change. In recent years, Cask & Larder moved to the Southwest Airlines terminal at Orlando International Airport, and The Ravenous Pig moved into the space Cask & Larder vacated on Fairbanks, which is much nicer and larger than the old Ravenous Pig location, with more parking. The Gawlaks bought Swine & Sons from the Petrakises, and in March 2019, they moved across the street, into The Local Butcher & Market, an upscale full-service butcher shop. (Da Kine Poke, one of Orlando’s best poke places, also has a counter location inside The Local Butcher.) There are still tables to enjoy the Gawlaks’ delicious food in there, don’t worry. And luckily, there are a lot more parking spaces! Just keep in mind that it closes at 4:00 PM every day, so you’d have to be a real early bird to have dinner there.

Anyway, Swine & Sons is one of the only Orlando restaurants I know of that serves Nashville-style hot chicken, which I was first introduced to at the legendary Hattie B’s in Nashville last year. After the chicken is marinated (often in seasoned buttermilk), breaded or battered, and fried, it is covered in a spice paste that’s heavy on the cayenne pepper, so every surface is spicy. It was amazing, and very different from the popular new fast food spicy chicken sandwich where any heat comes from a spicy mayo-based sauce. At Hattie B’s, I ordered a medium thigh and a hot thigh. They were crispy and crunchy and set my mouth ablaze, and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
(To avoid any confusion, this photo is from Hattie B’s in Nashville, just in case the cup and the above paragraph didn’t give it away. That’s medium on the left and hot on the right, and the hot was HOT.)

I tried the Nashville hot chicken at Cooper’s Hawk when I reviewed it earlier this year, and even though I liked that restaurant quite a bit, the hot chicken wasn’t that hot or that crunchy. So my quest continued, and I’m so glad that the Great Chicken Sandwich Wars of 2019 led me to Swine & Sons in search of a truly singular spicy chicken sandwich experience.

In fact, maybe with all the chicken sandwich hype and debating, Swine & Sons recently debuted a hotter hot chicken sandwich. Their current menu showed the classic version, referred to as the “Party,” and the newer, hotter model called the “Rager.” The very patient woman working the counter told me they use the same spice blend, but the Rager contains three times the cayenne pepper. They use Bell & Evans all-natural chicken breasts, and she explained that they first brine them, then they smoke them, and then they fry them. I was already on board even before she mentioned smoking, but that would have pushed me over the edge. I love any smoked foods — meat, fish, cheese, fruits and vegetables, salt and pepper, you name it. I was ready for a life-changing flavor sensation, so of course I ordered one of each ($11 per sandwich), intending to eat half the Party and half the Rager there and save the other halves for later.

Party:

Rager:

Both of the sandwiches were served on identical white sandwich rolls, with plenty of sliced pickles and little dipping cups of Alabama-style white barbecue sauce, a mayo-based sauce I have come to really like with my chicken. I’m usually not a pickle person, but I’ve been trying to develop more of an appreciation for pickles, and these were great. Definitely some of the best pickles I’ve ever tried. Surely they were house-made. The chicken breasts with their crunchy breading and oily, spice-laden exterior coating were balanced perfectly with the soft roll and the crispy pickles (not overly sour or “dilly”). I left the cool, creamy white sauce on the side for dipping random bites, lest it overpower the other flavors or cut the heat too much. I would have preferred a soft, rich buttery brioche bun for these sandwiches, which would have both contrasted and cut the heat more than the plain white roll, but it still worked very well.

These chicken sandwiches were CRON-CHY! Each bite had a satisfying crunch that is missing from too much fried chicken. Under the breading, they were also juicy and moist. Even beloved fried chicken establishments have let me down too often — even places I’ve given good reviews to in the past. But these were everything you wish fried chicken sandwiches could be in terms of texture and consistency.

Party:

And what of the heat, you ask? The Party had a pleasant heat that would certainly be too much for my in-laws, my parents, and my wife, but anyone who enjoys spicy food will be fine with it. I didn’t know what to expect from the Rager, but I’ve been pushing my limits with spicy food lately, maybe trying to feel more alive in this scary and unknowable world. My eyes were watering, and I had to blow my nose more than once, but my body reacts like that whenever I eat anything spicy, so those weren’t new and unfamiliar reactions to this heat. Despite all that, I was expecting it to be hotter, to maybe push into a place of unpleasant heat, but it was fine. It was better than fine; it was awesome. And through the heat, you could taste the smoky flavor. They didn’t clash or overpower each other — smoke and fire burning together in crackling harmony.

Rager (see it through my tears!)

I definitely like the oil-based spice rub on Nashville-style hot chicken compared to most other kinds of spicy chicken. Don’t get me started on typical sports bar buffalo wings, which never do anything for me. It might be the funkiness of the vinegar-based hot sauce, but those wings are often too crunchy, whether they are breaded or not, and they’re simultaneously dry and greasy. And even though I couldn’t begin to identify the spices in the Swine & Sons chicken sandwiches (aside from the obvious cayenne pepper), at least they don’t have to increase the heat to ludicrous levels for macho bragging rights, with ridiculous names like “Atomic Hellfire,” “Habanero Apocalypse,” and “Ass-Blaster 5000.”

There was a slight sweetness emerging from the heat in both of these sandwiches, making me wonder if there was some sugar in the spice blend. I loved it. They were exactly what I wanted, exactly what I had been craving and chasing since hitting Hattie B’s in April 2018. The smoky flavor made it through, so there were a lot of unique tastes and textures going on at once. I have to say I preferred both of these chicken sandwiches to the two thighs I had back in Nashville. Were they the best chicken sandwiches I’ve ever had? In a week where people are getting passionate about chicken sandwiches, I’m going to do the same and say YES, yes they were. As I write this review, far too late on a work night, I am so excited that I still have the other halves in my fridge, waiting for me… maybe even taunting me.

While I was there, I also ordered Swine & Sons’ macaroni and cheese, which I hadn’t had in several years. It was $4 for a decent-sized side order, and it was very rich. The cheeses (cheddar and fontina) were melty and the pasta was al dente, so I was more than content. There was also a nice crumb topping made from cheddar-chive biscuit crumbs. A lot of places bake their mac and cheese so the whole thing comes out dry, sacrificing that nice meltiness for overly-crispy edges and noodles you can barely chew anymore, but that was definitely not the case here.

I’ve ordered other sandwiches at Swine & Sons on my handful of previous visits over the years, including a good Southern-inspired take on the classic Cuban sandwich. I think I even had a house-made hot dog there once, although it has been so long, I don’t even remember how they served it. But today, in my first visit to their new location inside The Local Butcher & Market, Swine & Sons showed me the great heights a fried chicken sandwich could reach in the right hands, from the right kitchen. It was hot, but all that heat was pure flavor, not just burning, tingling pain and regret. It was crunchy, but not so hard that I felt like I was going to break a tooth. It wasn’t dry, and it sure wasn’t bland. It was a chicken sandwich all others should aspire to be.

I don’t know if they could serve a non-spicy version of the sandwich for the some who don’t like it hot, but right now I’m convinced Swine & Sons can do anything. And while it is more expensive than the fast food chicken sandwiches making headlines and stirring up strong feelings, you get what you pay for. I think these were dramatically, exponentially better than any chicken sandwiches I’ve ever had, and I hope my readers will feel the heat sooner rather than later. The Gawlaks are like culinary royalty in Winter Park and Orlando, and this place isn’t exactly a secret. But despite all that, you shouldn’t have to worry about long lines and sandwiches selling out, as transcendent as they are.

*Fear Of Missing Out.

I’m so ashamed.

Pickles Delicatessen

Pickles Delicatessen (https://www.picklesnydeli.com/) is one of my favorite destinations in Longwood, on State Road 434 right off I-4 exit 94. It is located in the same little shopping center where the Longwood location of 4 Rivers Smokehouse is. In a town sorely lacking authentic New York-style delis, Pickles is the closest we have to the great delicatessens of New York City and its boroughs (and parts of South Florida). Of course there is the Toojay’s chain, but I greatly prefer Pickles for its authenticity, quality, and selection.

They have all kinds of cookies and pastries brought in fresh from New York. My wife loves some of the Italian-style cookies, like the ones with sprinkles, and pistachio cookies shaped like red and green leaves. My mom used to buy cookies like that at a little bakery in Miami back when I was a kid in the ’80s.

The bagels at Pickles are maybe the best you can get in Orlando, especially the everything bagels my wife and I both like. Pickles serves the Just Bagels brand from The Bronx, and they are extremely high quality. I’d rather have a really good frozen and toasted authentic New York bagel than a mediocre fresh-baked bagel. The other morning, I was overjoyed to find two of these saved in my freezer from our last trip to Pickles, and I happened to have nova salmon and cream cheese. It’s rare when the universe lines up so perfectly.

On my last takeout order, I brought home terrific latkes (potato pancakes). Even after the drive home, they were still nicely crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, with tastes of onion, garlic, and pepper. They are served with sour cream and applesauce. Some people prefer one over the other with their latkes, but I like both. If you haven’t had them that way, you don’t know what you’re missing!

I don’t have a photo, but if you like potato knishes, Pickles serves Gabila’s, a commercially-available knish that is definitely my favorite.

Here’s their pastrami sandwich on rye bread with caraway seeds. My wife especially loves their pastrami. It is sliced thin, and not too lean or too fatty. I wish it was hand-sliced a little thicker like New York’s iconic Katz’s Deli, but this is the Orlando ‘burbs, not the Lower East Side. It’s definitely a solid and generously-stuffed pastrami sandwich.

This is a very small sampling of my mustard collection at home, perfect for pastrami. In recent months, I was lucky enough to stock up on a dozen bottles of the Grey Poupon Mild & Creamy Dijon when Publix put it on clearance, AND five jars of the Sir Kensington’s Spicy Brown (which has a bit of maple syrup) when Lucky’s Market recently did the same. Not bad — usually those aren’t the cheapest brands, but I have mustard to last me years (months?) for a buck and change each. But I still take risks with new, exciting, and fancy varieties, like the Kozlik’s Hot Russian mustard, an indulgence that wasn’t cheap, but was totally worth every penny.

Pickles has really terrific vinaigrette pasta salad, which I always love as a side item with their sandwiches.

If you don’t feel like a Jewish deli classic like pastrami, corned beef, brisket, or chopped liver, Pickles also serves some great Italian hoagies and other deli-style sandwiches. I’m a huge fan of their Italian Combo, with cappicola, sopresata, Genoa salami, mozzarella, Italian peppers, lettuce, tomato, balsamic, and parmesan. I swear I took a picture of it at some point in the past, but it would have been on my lousy phone camera, so people probably would complain more if I included a photo of this sandwich than if I didn’t.

They serve breakfasts, burgers, salads, and wraps as well.

But WAIT! What’s this?

It’s true, dear readers — Pickles carries Junior’s cheesecake from Brooklyn, which might be the best cheesecake I’ve ever had. I sang its praises in my review of Junior’s, when we went to New York this past May and ended up eating at both of its Times Square locations.

Here’s a slice of their plain cheesecake, which I’ll take over Publix or the Factory any day:

And here’s the chocolate cake-layered cheesecake. I can normally take or leave chocolate cake, or anything chocolate, but this was on a whole other level, and I loved it.
On top of the cheesecake being awe-inspiring, the chocolate cake was rich, dense, moist, fudgy — almost like a gooey brownie, but still clearly cake. I don’t think I’ve ever had such good chocolate cake. As you can probably guess, this was very rich, and even the two of us working together got four portions out of this one generous slice.

Since Pickles has so many authentic New York products and ingredients, imagine my surprise after our New York trip to find Fox’s U-Bet VANILLA syrup, after I had the best vanilla egg cream at Veselka in the East Village. I’ll argue to anyone that Fox’s U-Bet chocolate syrup is the best commercially-available chocolate syrup, especially if you’re making an egg cream with milk and seltzer water. Nothing else tastes right. Luckily most Publix stores carry Fox’s U-Bet chocolate in their kosher sections, but I had never seen the vanilla syrup for sale anywhere locally until noticing it at Pickles. Needless to say, I had to buy a bottle, and now my homemade vanilla egg cream game is strong.
Since the trip I photographed for this review, we used up this one bottle, and I returned to Pickles to buy three more. Imagine the deliciousness of a vanilla milkshake, only thinner, lightly carbonated, surprisingly helpful with digestion, and with much less guilt, and you’ve got it. This stuff has been a game-changer at Casa de Saboscrivner!

Just so you know, Pickles is open 8:00 to 4:00, Monday through Saturday. That means they aren’t open for dinner hours or on Sundays, and those are times when I tend to want their food the most. But go there when you can for a little slice of New York deli heaven right here in Seminole County, Florida.

Naradeva Thai

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s going to the mall. The only kinds of shopping I like are grocery shopping and comic book shopping. However, once or twice a year I end up near Orlando’s upscale Mall at Millenia, rarely for anything I need. At least there’s a very welcoming and well-stocked Coliseum of Comics location near that mall, along with one of my favorite Thai restaurants anywhere, ever: Naradeva Thai (http://naradevathai.com/).

In the middle of a sprawling retail district, in the shadow of a Super Target, Naradeva feels like an oasis. It’s definitely one of the best restaurants in that part of Orlando, but because it’s tucked into a little strip of shops (a musical instrument store, a GameStop, a Subway, and the aforementioned Coliseum of Comics), it is easy to miss. But once you get inside, you will see what I mean about the sense of calm, relaxation, and beauty that will wash over you. It’s one of the prettiest dining spaces anywhere in the city, on top of serving top-notch Thai food. It is a sanctuary.

Going there recently with my wife, we both bemoaned the fact that Naradeva is across town from us, or otherwise we would be regulars for sure. Even in the blistering August heat and sweltering humidity, it feels cooler inside, with the calming sounds of a little waterfall soothing us after weaving through the unknowable weekend traffic on I-4.

We both started our lunch with sweet, rich, creamy Thai iced coffees (one of the few kinds of coffee I like):

After stirring it up (little darlin’):

Back when I reviewed the wonderful Mee Thai last fall, I mentioned that I don’t eat enough Thai food and would like to try more dishes and even experiment with upping the heat levels. Sadly, I haven’t done that enough. On a rare trip to Naradeva, I defaulted to my favorite Thai dish: pad kee mao, also known as drunken noodles. I feel like I need to try every Thai restaurant’s version of this, since everyone makes it a little different, and even a mediocre version is still going to be good. Naradeva’s pad kee mao was above and beyond. It was exactly what I wanted and needed, with nice chewy rice noodles, ground pork, crispy bell peppers and green beans, scallions, Thai basil, and bamboo shoot strips all stir-fried together. I used to be skeptical about bamboo shoots, but they’re great — chewy and inoffensive. One reason I love pad kee mao is the slight sweetness that cuts through the spice, probably from the basil leaves. I wish the noodles they used were thicker and wider, but those super-thick and wide noodles are pretty hard to find around here. I tried the “hot” version for the first time, up from my usual medium heat.

This is Naradeva’s Thai red barbecue pork fried rice, which we ordered to split because we both love it so much. It’s definitely my favorite fried rice dish anywhere. The char siu-style pork is juicy, sweet, and tender. It pretty much melts in your mouth. They add eggs and scallions, plus the cilantro garnish on top, keeping it pretty simple but never boring or bland. It’s amazing, and as long as you eat pork, I would strongly recommend any visitors to Naradeva try this dish.

And my wife, who always has impeccable taste, selected the boneless duck in sweet and sour sauce, which was as gorgeous to look at as it was delectable to eat. Naradeva serves their duck in a very light batter that comes out crispy from deep-frying, but never too crunchy or heavy with batter, and never dripping with grease. You can choose from three sauces: tangy sweet and sour, pad kaprow Thai basil sauce (that probably would have been similar to the sauce on my pad kee mao), or red curry sauce. But I know she doesn’t like curry or anything spicy, so she chose wisely and regretted nothing. The sweet and sour sauce includes onions (which I dutifully picked out for her, like a good husband), tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumber and pineapple chunks.

I can’t get over this plating!

The duck comes with white jasmine rice, which neither of us paid much attention to, not with that perfect fried rice there between us. But I took it home and made it into my own (not nearly as good) fried rice a day or two later.

On past visits to Naradeva, we have treated ourselves to puffy fried Thai doughnuts served with coconut custard dip, but we had more errands to run and were pretty full after this particular meal. We will definitely return, though. I’m sure our blood pressure and stress levels drop every time we visit that gorgeous restaurant, as we transport ourselves to a serene jungle oasis. It’s even worth braving the bougie mall if I can stop at Naradeva on the way in or out. And after that luxurious lunch, I found a comic I had been looking for forever at the shop a few doors down, and I even had a coupon for a $5 discount. As my man Cube once said, “I gotta say it was a good day.”

CLOSED: Chain Reactions: Hopdoddy Burger Bar

Note: On May 18, 2020, the Orlando Hopdoddy Burger Bar I reviewed announced it has permanently closed.

Hopdoddy Burger Bar (https://www.hopdoddy.com/) is a chain that comes to us from Texas. The first Florida location opened earlier this year in the Pointe Orlando shopping center on busy International Drive, and it definitely worth a stop if you’re catching a movie at the Regal theater, a stand-up comedy set at the Improv, or attending MegaCon, our massive pop culture convention, in May. That’s where my best food friend and I were coming from when we popped in for lunch before a showing of John Wick 3.

Hopdoddy is a fast-casual burger chain, so if you’ve been to BurgerFi, Shake Shack, or Fuddruckers, you know the score. You order at the counter, and they bring the food to your table when it’s ready. The burgers are larger and much better quality than fast food, but the prices are much more reasonable than most table-service restaurants.

My buddy went with a classic cheeseburger, topped with Tillamook cheddar, “Sassy Sauce,” and the traditional lettuce, tomato, and onion. He said it really hit the spot:

It was cooked to a perfect medium:

I ordered the Good Night/Good Cause burger, which got its name from Hopdoddy donating $1 from every burger ordered to a local charity. It includes Angus beef, Tillamook cheddar, caramelized onions (I’m always a sucker for them on anything), jalapeños (nice and fresh and crunchy and spicy, not the pickled ones from a jar), caffeinated barbecue sauce, “Sassy Sauce,” lettuce, and tomato. It was a very tasty burger, and I give both of them bonus points for being served on fresh-baked brioche buns, lightly toasted on the griddle.

I almost always request my burgers medium rare:

The hand-cut regular fries were fresh and hot, dusted with herbs and served in a huge metal bowl:

We had to try those regular fries as a “control,” to fully appreciate these massive chili cheese fries. These were awesome — topped with a hearty, beanless chili that had lots of flavor but wasn’t spicy, melty queso, diced green onions, jalapeños, and dollops of sour cream. The forks were appreciated.

Sauces included honey mustard, caffeinated barbecue sauce, and slightly spicy ketchup. I’m all about sauces, dips, and condiments, and these did not disappoint, especially as we took on those heroic portions of fries.

I’m hardly ever down on I-Drive. In fact, I try to avoid that side of Orlando. I might not even be back in the area until MegaCon 2020 (or unless a comedian I like comes to the Improv first), but I’d totally return to Hopdoddy Burger Bar next time I’m down that way. It’s a fantastic new option and a great value amid the pricey, upscale chain restaurants and basic bar food of Pointe Orlando, and who doesn’t appreciate a tasty burger?

Chain Reactions: Krystal (the all-you-can-eat adventure)

When it comes to food, almost everyone has a guilty pleasure. Maybe yours is Cadbury Creme Eggs (wisely bought on sale after Easter and saved in the depths of your freezer so you can enjoy one every month of the year that follows when nobody else has any), or trashy frozen French bread pizzas that remind you of hanging out at your friends’ houses in high school, or possibly even intimidating sandwiches you painstakingly assemble using two of those French bread pizzas in place of a sub roll, like a true sandwich artiste (particularly going for that self-destructive streak too many artists share). It might be something as simple as ice cream, or fries, or fries dipped in said ice cream. You might have a love-hate relationship with these foods. Indulging might make you feel bad physically after the initial rush of excitement and joy, but you can’t help yourself. Or they might bring you to a happy and comfortable place at the time, but then you feel shame or depression later on, like so many dysfunctional relationships.

After a disastrous attempt at the keto diet back in 2017, I now firmly believe we should eat whatever we want, just maybe a little bit less of it at each sitting, and maybe not indulge quite as often. But life is full of pain and suffering and misery and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly. I say we should just take our pleasures where we can find them — ideally with some modicrum of moderation — and not feel too guilty.

Of course, that’s easier said than done when when of your (by which I mean my) guiltiest food pleasures are cheese Krystals, tiny little cheeseburgers served with mustard, onions, and a pickle slice on soft steamed buns. Krystals (sometimes colloquially referred to as “sliders”) are the signature item from the fast food chain Krystal (https://krystal.com/). If this sounds familiar, you might be thinking of White Castle, a fast food chain located throughout the Northern U.S. We don’t have White Castle here (and I’ve never had a chance to go to one), but Krystal is the Southern equivalent. Founded in 1932 in Chattanooga, Tennessee, Krystal’s website claims it is the second-oldest fast food restaurant. Locations are decorated in white and red and have a bit of a retro feel to them, and they’re usually sparkling clean and bright.

As you might guess, the Krystal burgers are very cheap (being a product of the Great Depression), remaining one of the better fast food values today. They are meant to be consumed in mass quantities, and as you might also guess, they are not exactly health food. I usually only go to Krystal once or twice a year, and luckily I have to drive out of my way to go to one, keeping it a rare indulgence. When I go, I usually order a dozen cheese Krystals, and each soft little slider is lovingly tucked into a cardboard sleeve with one open side. I’ll reach into the bag on my passenger seat and wolf down several of them before I even make it home. Hey, I’m not proud.

But perhaps in an attempt to reach out to people like me, Krystal recently instituted an all-you-can-eat deal, offering unlimited Krystals and fries for $5.99. (This deal is for dining in only. You can’t get it to go, and you can’t leave and come back later and hope to get more.) I had to try it, for the sake of this food blog and my dozens of vaguely-interested readers. I figured I would live-blog my experience as I ate more and more sliders, perhaps chronicling my physical and mental decline, and to see how long I could stay in the restaurant, how many they would be willing to serve at a time, whether I could beat my previous Krystal record of eating twelve, and whether or not I’d wear out my welcome before I tapped out. I love the state of journalism in 2019, don’t you?

Here’s a twist: I don’t think Krystal’s fries are anything special, so perhaps for the first time in the very short history of their all-you-can-eat deal, I asked them to hold the fries and just give me cheese Krystals. (The incredulous cashier said “Are you sure? The fries are included!”) Just so ya know, the cheese is a $2 upcharge, but I think it’s totally worth it, as long as we’re indulging. I also ordered a drink, a Sprite slushie for $1. Hey, big spender!

So instead of giving you a tray laden with a precarious leaning tower of burgers like an old Jughead comic book cover, they start you out with four at a time. If I had wanted fries, they would have given me a regular order of fries to begin with as well.

Well, these sliders slide down real easy, so it wasn’t long before I went back to the counter and asked for a re-up. Luckily they weren’t busy. You can tell some time has passed because I drank about a third of the Sprite slushie with the first round. Here’s round two: four more cheese Krystals.

I took my time with those soft, squishy, oniony, mustardy, cheesy little monsters, but I wasn’t ready to surrender to the sweet embrace of oblivion yet. Like I said, my record for Krystals consumed had been twelve — sadly my usual order for the once or twice a year I drive through. Whatever happened, I wanted to at least top that. Why, you ask? I couldn’t really tell you, dear Saboscrivnerinos. Bragging rights? I hardly think this is anything to brag about.

So I asked the nice lady for an order of five more, just so I’d have thirteen in all, and I could reevaluate my options after that. She didn’t even argue with me. I was clearly a man who came to play, who meant business, who could hold his sliders with the best of them. Here they are, the Furious Five with no Grandmaster Flash in sight, and one-third of the slushie remaining.

In case there was any doubt remaining, I inhaled them.

And you know what? After that, I made what might have been the smartest move I made that day — I called it a day. Walked away while I was still on top (so to speak), quit while I was ahead (arguably), didn’t foolishly try to hit some arbitrary new Krystal milestone like 20, or doubling my old record with 24.

I ate thirteen of those things, and they were delicious, and I got it out of my system (pun very much intended). I don’t need to return to Krystal for a while now — I’m good! By the time I make it back, this dangerous all-you-can-eat deal will probably be over, and that’s fine with me. I did the unthinkable that day, fearless readers, and lived to tell about it. It was an intense 15 minutes that afternoon, let me tell you!

CLOSED: Washington D.C. Part 5: Momofuku CCDC

EDITOR’S NOTE: Momofuku CCDC closed in May 2020.

***

It’s hard to choose what was the best meal of my trip. China Chilcano‘s Peruvian-Chinese-Japanese fusion feast with friends was legendary, and the Union Market was everything I love, with a trifecta of sandwiches, again shared with friends. (Well, we shared the experience, but they didn’t want any of my three sandwiches, even though I offered!) But Momofuku CCDC (https://ccdc.momofuku.com/), the Washington D.C. outpost of celebrity chef David Chang’s New York City restaurant empire, was also a meal to remember — once again improved exponentially by the excellent company.

I had sampled one of David Chang’s iconic dishes once before, his pork belly bao, when I visited the Momofuku-affiliated Milk Bar bakery on our NYC honeymoon back in 2009. As great as delightful Chef Christina Tosi’s baked goods were, I was overjoyed that they were serving those famous bao there, and so lucky I got to try it. I’ve tried to duplicate that pork belly bao at home over the years, but I’ve been waiting a decade for a chance to sample more food from the Momofuku family.

I am in a group that held an evening business meeting at our big professional conference, and we scheduled some dine-arounds for our members after the meeting. There was a list of D.C. restaurants near the convention center for people to choose from, and I volunteered to “host” a group at Momofuku CCDC, just because I wanted to eat there so badly. Four people signed up, and the five of us walked over together. I knew most of them, but mostly just by their impeccable reputations, and none of them knew each other. I made everyone do an icebreaker (which could have gone badly but didn’t), and by the end of our incredible dinner, I think everyone parted as frolleagues — colleagues who had become friends.

One of the CCDC specialties is bing bread, which is kind of like a cross between a pancake, a tortilla, and a pita. It was soft and fluffy and warm and steamy, and perfect to spread things on or rip pieces off to dip into stuff. Somehow a group of information professionals failed to make any “Bing” jokes, but it had been a long day and we were hungry.

My bing bread came with salted chili pimento cheese, topped with bread and butter pickled kohlrabi ($7). Pimento cheese is rapidly joining onion rings as something I’ll order whenever it’s on the menu, and I loved it. It has been a few weeks since this meal, but I’m 90% sure this was served chilled, which I always prefer to warm versions.

One of my companions got the bing bread with chicken liver mousse, topped with fennel jam, Chinese five spice seasoning, and toasted almonds ($15). I desperately wanted to try it because I love chopped chicken liver, but we had just met on the walk over here, and I didn’t dare ask her for a taste. She seemed to really enjoy it, though.

These were my garlic noodles, with crab, shrimp, corn, green tomato relish, and Thai basil ($33, which is out of my comfort zone for what I’d normally order as an entree, but I was at Momofuku CCDC and probably won’t ever make it back!). I’m so glad I splurged, because it was amazing.

Someone else ordered charred broccoli with smoked béarnaise sauce ($13). It normally comes with XO vinaigrette, but she’s a vegetarian so she asked them to hold it. I discovered XO sauce recently, and now I’m a little obsessed with it — a rich, savory umami-bomb of a condiment made with dried shrimp and scallops, cured Chinese ham (or bacon or lap xeong Chinese sausage), chilies, onions, garlic, soy sauce, and/or oyster sauce, cooked into a thick jam, sometimes with oil added, and in this case, vinegar. I should have asked if they would serve the XO vinaigrette on the side so I could try it, but it didn’t occur to me until just now, because these are the things I dwell on, weeks after the fact.

I’m not seeing this on the menu, but it looks like the same charred broccoli dish served with softshell crab, so that must have been a special that night. My colleague demonstrated his good taste, between the softshell crab and his seersucker jacket. (I was sporting mine too, and miraculously didn’t get anything on it.)

And this has to be the spicy cucumber, served with crushed almonds and togarashi seasoning ($7). This would be a great restaurant for vegetarians, since they had several options that are much more interesting and luxurious than their usual choices of fries or a salad.

After dinner, four of the five of us, now bonded over this magnificent meal, piled into a Lyft to attend a fancy party at the Library of Congress. (Not a hoax, a dream, or an imaginary story!) Then we split up almost immediately once we got there, but at least we’re all cool now. And at least they didn’t see me completely wipe out on some slippery marble stairs in the Great Hall. Luckily I wasn’t carrying anything and didn’t hurt myself, or worse yet, anyone else.